Currently, the confusion that she was feeling due to certain odd changes wasn't to a point where she thought she was going to be landing on her ass, but that was because she was doing all that she could to make sure she kept her head above the ground. Being older, wiser, and really not wanting to get to a point of desperation, she was making every effort to stand tall and not succumb to old patterns and behaviors. Staying positive and being optimistic despite the challenges life threw at you was a choice one had to make. It was an intentional and deliberate action that one had to take, lest they be taken over by not being able to cope with transitions.
Another weapon that she used to maintain her sanity through change was allowing herself to go through the emotions. She had to let herself feel, both the good and the bad. But said emotions didn't need to last long. Some could last for a brief five minutes, others might last for a couple of hours or a couple of days, but it was better to feel than to entirely shut herself off from what her heart was battling with. The last month or two had found her feeling a lot more than she thought she was prepared for as weird, unexplainable experiences popped up, but now that she was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, she was feeling like it was genuinely time to move forward without any hesitations. She may not have been able to process certain things the way she had hoped for, but internally, she was managing to make amends.
Changes were happening left and right. The week hadn't started off well, but it had turned into one that she could write into the memory log as an exceptionally good time because she was finding healthy ways to keep her mind engaged elsewhere rather than getting obsessed with the knitty gritty. Being busy with work and travels at the beginning of the month had caused her to want to take time at home to catch up with friends. And she was much better for it. She didn't have family in Boston, apart from her deceased husband's mother whom she was close with. All the others were out in California, her heart pining for them on a daily basis. So it was her friends whom she relied on for support, love, and acceptance - and she didn't take that lightly. At the end of the week she was feeling more grateful, blessed, and happier than she had been since all the weird stuff had started happening.
But there were mysterious changes that were nagging away at her. Things she couldn't quite place. Things she hadn't really bothered to pay attention to or think about because her mind had been focused on relationships and emotions and motivations. She ignored the small signs, telling herself she was allowing her imagination to go overboard or she was too sleep deprived that she was starting to get a little delusional. It wasn't like there was an obvious change within her, but there was enough to pique her curiosity. As self-aware as she could be with her heart, mind, spirit, and body - there was enough for her to know something was different. She just didn't want to face up to it.
However, change was inevitable. Everything would grow and evolve. Relationships would come and go. Feelings would ebb and flow. Her job was to learn how to accept it.
The way she moves is sharper now. She has always moved with grace, a certain elegance thanks to training she was given as a teenager to ensure she made her politician father proud at public events. But now she's not just graceful - she's fluid. Her reflexes are faster. She's quick on her toes. And there's an effortlessness that she's never known before. She wants to think this is all those kick boxing classes and yoga sessions finally coming into play, but she knows there's more to it.
Saturday morning is spent with Jesse, exercising by way of a little bit of friendly sparring and punching bag fun. It's all normal, things are going great, but there are moves her body reflexively uses that she knows she's never done before. Never learned or tried. She brushes it away, claiming she's been practicing stuff she's seen on the movies - she doesn't mean to lie because she's a nerd who does try these things out every once in awhile in the comfort of her living room. Granted, she's never perfected those Jackie Chan moves, but she has no other way to explain how her body is moving. She tries not to think much of it.
Except today is the day when the moment comes where there's no bloody way she can ignore things any longer. She's starting to put all her strength into the punching bag. There's a lot of pent up anger and aggression that she's been feeling. There are things that haven't been resolved. And there are words that haven't been said. There's pain in her heart that she is only now fully letting herself feel as fists and legs engage with the bag.
It's a one-two punch with a swift kick that has the bag sailing off of its post, as if it were catapulted across the room - something her small frame could have never done unless there's something faulty with it. "Bloody hell!" She squeaks, adopted British accent in place even in her surprise. Her chest is heaving up and down with her breathing, her cheeks rosy, sweat on her forehead, and her blue eyes are wide with surprise. She looks over at her friend, needing to make sure she's not seeing things or going crazy. Seeing Jesse's equally stunned expression makes her start to blush profusely, an insecurity and fear rising up inside of her that she's never known before.
"It must've been broken already..." is all she says, using her forearm to wipe at her brow. There's no other explanation because she doesn't know how to explain something that she doesn't understand. She's not sure how to say that this isn't the first time she's felt like she's overpowered something (or someone) with little effort. Her thoughts cut to the chicken fight in the pool on Fourth of July when she hardly even touched Ellie before the other redhead was tumbling down into the water. Or how at work people have started to look at her with wide impressed eyes whenever she easily lifts up a piece of luggage to stow away in the overhead bin, like it's a feather. And there are other moments that she keeps collecting. If it was only one instance she could keep ignoring it, but seeing that punching bag on the other side of the room is solid proof that her body has been going through some seriously impossible changes. And she needs to know why.
"Wanna just go get brunch now?" She says to the other woman, feeling awkward and out of sorts, happy to pretend like her show of macho strength isn't a big deal. The two have been able to swap a couple of strange happenings in their lives as of late. Her suspicion is that maybe she isn't alone in her confusion. Maybe she's not the only one facing big life changes. She takes comfort in this as she goes to retrieve the bag to see if she can figure out how to put it back in its place, hoping that not many others saw her embarrassing display or ask what's going on.
Change is inevitable. People grow and evolve. Relationships come and go. Feelings ebb and flow. These words play in her mind on repeat for the rest of the day, knowing she has to find a way to accept all the changes that are happening in her life whether she wants to or not.
Strange fascinations fascinate me. Changes are takin' the pace I'm goin' through.