Today I remember that August afternoon just before we got married. We were sprawled out on the hammock in your backyard, talking about the days to come. Planning and dreaming about our future, laughing and idealising about what we hoped would come. I remember so vividly how we talked about our anniversaries, and how we felt as if the ten year mark seemed like a lifetime away.
Now I can tell you that it wasn't a lifetime away. It's here now, it showed up sooner than I had expected, and I feel such a palpable ache from your absence. Like there's actually this wide open wound in my heart, a chasm that can't be healed no matter how much time has gone by. It's painful and I feel more raw today than I have in a very long time because I wasn't keeping track of my calendar. It hit me like a freight train this morning: it's our ten year anniversary. I'm reminiscing about our wedding day. How handsome you looked! How perfect everything was. How I felt the best mix of elation and bashfulness when your gaze was locked onto me. And how I was so sure we'd grow old together.
A lot has been happening lately. Very strange things have been occurring around me, and inside of me, and I so badly wish you were here for me to talk to about it. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to, not in the most open way that I can because most people wouldn't understand what I'm trying to say or they don't want to talk about it at all because they're dealing with similar anomalies that they're not ready to accept. But you would understand. You always did. You understood me even when I literally made no sense. And if you didn't understand, you would do everything you could to find a way to relate.
So I guess with all that said, I just want you to know how desperately I miss you. I miss your friendship. I miss your abundance of love even when I made stupid, idiotic mistakes. I miss the way you would wrap me up in your arms, hugging me tightly to your chest, making me feel like I was the safest person in the world. I miss everything about you - even the things that made me go crazy, like the way you'd never replace a toilet paper roll or how you had to verbally process during every movie we watched or how sometimes you were the biggest blanket hog. I'd give anything for you to hog the blankets again, just so I had an excuse to roll over to your side of the bed for body heat.
Don't worry, though. I feel angsty today because it's the start of the toughest week of the year, and this letter is pretty damn pathetic, but I want you to know that I'm genuinely doing okay. My life is solid. I have the love of my family and friends. I so thoroughly enjoy my job(s). I have a little kitten named Toothless who makes for some great company at home. And time really does heal my heart. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to fully give it away again, the fears are too real, but I know it's something I need to work on more. You'd want that, wouldn't you? You don't want your girl to end up as an old cat lady spinster - it's so tempting, though! It's just easier to not invest everything I have to offer...
Anyway, I digress. I simply wanted to write to you and let you know I am thinking of you. Today I eat (too much) cake and drink (too much) wine to celebrate our anniversary, this milestone that should have been spent together rather than being miles, light years, realms apart. I'm thinking of you, loving you, and praying that as you look down on me from Heaven that you're proud of the woman you chose to love. I'll keep trying to make smart choices to get your chest puffing up with pride, and you? Don't break too many of those angels' hearts with that breathtaking smile of yours.
Happy 10 years, hero of mine.
With an unquenchable love,
Your Astoria